


I Can't Pretend It's Not The End

by AthenianRavenclaw28



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec is an emotional mess, Angst, Catarina is her amazing self, Inspired by 2x20 Malec sneak peek, M/M, Magnus is too, Robert is an ass, slightly okay vastly different ending, they're both idiots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-13
Updated: 2017-08-13
Packaged: 2018-12-14 18:40:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11789121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AthenianRavenclaw28/pseuds/AthenianRavenclaw28
Summary: Izzy finds the rift allowing demons to enter. But they need a warlock. They turn to Alec to talk to The High Warlock of Brooklyn. But will he ever be ready to face the pain?PS. Chapter title is from the song 'Wide eyes' by Billy Lockett.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Here's another depressing two shot. This came to my mind while listening to Amnesia by Maroon5. This ship will end me I swear. I almost teared up thinking it over. So here goes! And of course, constructive criticism appreciated!

 

**Alec's POV **

Alec watched as Jace, Izzy, Clary and Robert gathered around the table for a briefing Izzy wanted. Robert had been sent by the order of the Clave to report each and every happening back to them and sanction necessary aid in their behalf.

They all turned to Izzy. When she asked Alec to call for this briefing she looked excited, nervous and a tad bit sad, the latter two making Alec wonder what she had found. Izzy began to speak, drawing Alec from his thoughts.

"I've found the rift in the fabric if our dimension through which the demons are entering." she said going straight to the point. "How did you find out?" Jace enquired, frowning.

"Let's just say Valentine can't keep  _everyone_ quiet." Izzy replied, smirking. "It's in Central Park." "Near the Seelie queen's realm?" Alec asked. This was bad news. If the Seelie queen hadn't objected to it, it meant she was fine with it. Which meant she didn't care to stop Valentine. And as Simon had told, she wanted war in the name of 'change'. He wondered if... _no Alec. Don't think about him. You have a job to do._

Izzy nodded, her next words confirming his suspicions. "The source also said that the Seelie queen has made some sort of deal with Valentine." The news was not unexpected, indeed they knew the Queen would do something like this, but to make a deal with the very man threatening their own existence? It was still shocking.

"We'll worry about that later." Robert had finally spoken up. "But first about the rift. How do we seal it?"

Despite sharing the fear and subsequent relief of Max's injury and survival, Alec still resented his father. He couldn't help thinking that if he could've had it in him to not heed his father's warning, had told _him_ about the Soul sword, he wouldn't be going through this. Though blaming Robert for his... _separation_ from  _Magnus_ was unfair. That was all on him. 

Izzy seemed to hesitate, eyes flicking towards Alec. Alec caught the look and raised his eyebrow. "We'll need a warlock. A powerful one at that."

Now Alec understood what the look was for. His chest constricted. He knew where this was leading. Izzy, Jace and Clary all looked at him with apprehension and sadness. But if Robert saw it, he didn't show.

"Well then. Alec you can go ask Magnus to help us. We'll go to the Park today. Seal the rift and then deal with whatever Valentine is planning."

"I can't. Send Izzy or Clary. They can ask him. I...I have work to do. Preparing for the mission and all." Even Alec could hear how lame his excuse was. Robert looked at him frowning.

"But he's your...boyfriend. Surely he wouldn't say no?"

"First of all," Alec said, standing up, suddenly angered, "just because I'm... _was_  his boyfriend doesn't mean he's a lapdog. We're asking for his help because he's the most powerful warlock around. Not because he's obligated to do it. And secondly, we... we're not...we..ummm...had an altercation. I don't think we're dating anymore." Alec tried to say this as emotionlessly as possible. But he could hear the quivering of his voice.  _So much for not thinking about him._  

"And why did you have this altercation as you called it?" asked Robert, unfazed, his face blank. "Dad." Izzy said, a warning tone in her voice. "Because I did not tell him about the Soul sword." muttered Alec. He  _did not_ want to be talking about this with his father. 

" He should know better than to think you can go around giving information to anyone and everyone about things like that. You are bound by the rules of the Clave-"

"ENOUGH!" It sounded so similar to the 'enough' Alec had told his mother at that wedding so long ago.

"I broke his trust. His belief in me. We're supposed to be working together to ensure the safety of the Downworld, whom by the way, we are sworn to protect. We're supposed to be fighting Valentine. He is the enemy. Not the Downworld. They are half demon but sometimes I think they are more human than we'll ever be." Alec was panting. He couldn't believe his father would start off with his 'Clave knows best' nonsense. Apparently his father didn't get the hint.

"We told you Alec. He's not to be trusted. You didn't know him. And you claimed that you planned to get to know him. And now he's broken your heart. You see why we can't be with Downworlders don't you?"

Now Alec was furious.

"You and who told me?" he hissed out. "Mom? The same mom  _you cheated on_?" he felt an insane sense of pleasure at seeing his father flinch at that. "And if he can't be trusted why ask his help? You obviously think he'll go all demon on us on whim."

Izzy, Jace and Clary were staring, dumbstruck and shocked. "Dad. That's enough." Izzy stopped Robert, who evidently wanted to say more. "Alec is right. You don't get to say who can and cannot be trusted when you yourself have not done something to earn your trust back. You can go. We'll take it from here."

Robert looked furious. But he got up and stalked off when he saw the four glares directed at him.

Alec took a deep breath and sighed as Izzy, Jace and Clary turned to him. "If you want I'll go. But I won't force him. It's okay if you don't want to go Alec." Clary said softly, her eyes sad. Alec looked at her, surprised and grateful. "Thank you Clary. But I'll go. I can't let my emotions get in the way." 

Izzy put her hand on his shoulder. "Remember he still loves you. Never forget that." Alec nodded, but his eyes showed that he didn't believe her. Jace patted his shoulder. And Alec left the Institute to go to the loft, which till a few weeks ago, he would unhesitatingly have called  _home._

He was feeling overwhelmed. Suddenly the prospect of seeing Magnus's beautiful face felt too painful to consider. It was pathetic how he wasn't even thinking of where he was going and yet found himself at the door. The door which used to be so welcoming, which now looked like an iron gate or a pet turned against you.

He stared at it for a few seconds, reveling in the memories of coming back after demon hunting, into his lover's open arms. The situation couldn't be more different. He raised his hand, took a deep fortifying breath and knocked. Once. Twice. Thrice.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Magnus is discussing with Catarina about the Seelie queen, a certain Niphilim knocks on his door. Can Magnus keep up his facade in the face of his love's evident heartbreak?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second part of this two shot. A lot of angst. Also forgive me for any inaccuracies. Constructive criticism appreciated!

**Magnus' POV**

"I don't know Magnus. Is you heart really into this? You know how the Seelie queen is. She's working with the man who's trying to bring us down!"

"Oh Catarina, dear, do you take me to be a fool? Of course I know how she is. Trust me. I know what I'm doing. And please don't insult my drink making skills by notdrinking?"

"No Magnus." Catarina sighed, exasperation clear on her face and in her tone. "You're not a fool. But I think you should back away from the queen. Did you register what I just said? A deal with Valentine! Is it really worth it? Especially when you're hurting like this? She'll take advantage of it Magnus! Oh and don't try to distract me. Your 'drink making skills' have not impressed me in eight centuries. It's not going to change now."

Magnus frowned. It seemed like he frowned most of the time nowadays. Gone was the Magnus who would party, spend about an hour on makeup, flirt shamelessly. He's not been to a party in months, his makeup is much more muted, and hasn't even batted an eye at any handsome stranger he came across.  _What happened to me? Oh yeah, Alexander happened._

Catarina was watching him, her concern and love for him showing clearly. "I'm not asking you to forgive him Magnus. But you were the happiest I've seen you in your long life these past few months. Even if I never got to see you, your voice was always so light and happy. And that's cause of him Magnus. Fight the world and I'll be by your side. But please _please_ don't fight your heart? "

Magnus let out a breath, his shoulders slumping. "I need to fight my heart Cat. It destroyed me to be so cold towards.. _him_ _._ But I have to. The path before us is dangerous and I don't want him to be a casualty."

Just as Catarina was about to speak, they heard three knocks at the door. Cat raised her eyebrows. But Magnus knew that knock. How many times had he heard it, his heart performing the same dance routine it always did, his eyes would get rid of their glamour like a reflex?  _Magnus... they're beautiful. You're beautiful._ No words have ever brought so much love into his heart as those did.

Indicating to Catarina to not move, he went to the door, heart beating miles a second, took a deep breath and opened. The sight before his eyes lifted his soul and crushed it at the same time.

There stood Alexander,  _his_ Alexander, looking...why did he look so _emotionless?_

_"_ What do you want Shadowhunter?" It hurt Magnus physically to say that, to school his expression into disinterest and disdain. "Another demon to kill? Or that the Seelie queen has made a deal with Valentine? I already know that."

_Oh_. Alec was making it difficult for Magnus to not gather him up in his arms.If Alec looked emotionless moments ago he didn't now. Alec was looking at him with so much _pain,_ so much _sadness_ and confusion he averted his eyes.

"I...." he could hear Alexander's breathing quicken, as though he was hyperventilating. "No... I.. I'll go. I'm sorry I...yeah I'll just..."

"Might as well tell me now that you  _have_ disturbed me." Magnus said, shrugging his shoulders. He was struggling, not wanting Alec to see his want, which ate at Magnus day and night, his want for the Shadowhunter in front of him. Hearing his voice itself evoked painfully sweet memories.

Alec's beautiful hazels, which were turned down, looked up with something which looked like determination and heart breaking acceptance, like he accepted Magnus's way of talking to him, like he was sure that he _deserved it._

"I..." he seemed to gathered  himself and stood straight. "Isabelle has found the rift through which the demons are entering our dimension. It's in Central Park." his eyes didn't leave Magnus at all, who felt scrutinized.

"You want me to seal it. What a surprise." Magnus rolled his eyes, his annoyance genuine. These Shadowhunters act so high and mighty, but ask for Downworlders' help in almost everything. He stared at Alec, raising his eyebrow, challenging him to deny it.

Alec stood straighter, the fire that had drawn Manus to him first, lighting up his beautiful hazel eyes for the first time during his conversation. "Demons do not differentiate between Shadowhunters, Downworlders or munadanes. They kill them all...Mr. Bane."

All his words seemed to blur in comparison to the way he addressed Magnus.  _God....it hurt so bad!_ Not hearing his name from those sweet lips...it hurt worse than he could imagine. Magnus took a deep breath and continued.

"I'll seal it of course, but not because _you_ asked me." 

Alec gave him a confused look as though wondering what he meant. " You are the most powerful warlock here. If anyone, it's you who can seal it. So why would I want you to do it for me Mr. Bane? Why would I even expect you to do that?"

"Stop that!" Magnus exclaimed, not being able to hear anything past the impersonal 'Mr. Bane'. This caused Alec to look even more confused. "Stop what?"

"Stop calling me Mr. Bane." Alec furrowed his brows and Magnus felt like the Gods he didn't believe in were cursing him cause Alec looked too adorable.

"I thought you're being professional? What with all the 'what do you want _Shadowhunter'_?"

Magnus opened his mouth to reply, though he didn't know what to say, when he saw Alec's eyes flicking down to his lips. He suddenly felt breathless. But Alec then closed his eyes and looked away, as though even looking at Magnus was to painful. And maybe it was. And Magnus caused it.

"Leave it Mr. Bane. I have one more thing to ask. You said you know that the Seelie queen has made a deal with Valentine?" Alec's face was impassive.

"Yes. I know. And if you're planning to give me a lecture on how the Seelie queen is a betrayer, save it because I'm not going to explain my actions, okay?" Magnus's heart constricted seeing Alec's let down expression. And that he couldn't do anything about it.

Alec was about to speak when a voice cut through the charged atmosphere they seemed to have created around them.

"Magnus? Who is it? What's wrong?"

Catarina seemed to have decided to come and check on him. He turned to her with pleading eyes, but she opened the door fully nonetheless. 

Alec looked shocked and... _angry?_ He turned to Magnus his eyes like shards of glass.

"I'm really sorry... I...I should have checked if you had company over... I shouldn't have disturbed you.. I'm really sorry. I'll leave now. My job here is done." Alec turned away. Magnus couldn't believe what he just heard. Did Alec think he was  _dating_ Cat?! 

"Oh no, please don't leave on my account! I'm Catarina Loss, nurse in a mundane hospital, and Magnus's oldest and most sanest friend. Pleased to meet you!" Alec looked surprised but slightly more animated.

"Oh..umm..Alec..Alec Lightwood. Pleasure's all mine. I've heard of you." He smiled. Magnus watched the exchange with a fondness he shouldn't have felt. He had imagined this, Alec meeting his best friends, his family, but not in this situation.

"All good thing I hope." Catarina said, her smile genuine. Which Magnus couldn't fathom cause she was as welcoming as a bed  of thorns to his past lovers. He shook his head dismissing the thought."One second." Magnus frowned at her wondering what she wanted to say to him now.Catarina pulled Magnus into the living room. Alec looked startled. Magnus felt hyper aware of his  presence right outside the doorway.

"Talk to him! He loves you so much it's obvious. Don't throw away love as unconditional as that Magnus. Please." Catarina hissed, impatience clear as day.

But Magnus's wouldn't budge. He _couldn't_  budge.

"I will throw his love away a thousand times more if it means he's safe. Emotions will only cause more complications Cat. This is the Seelie queen we're talking about."

Catarina's face held half exasperation and half sadness. 

"Magnus how will you know he's safe if you push him away? You need him by your side Magnus. Him, not that backstabbing faerie.Please just...just talk!"

"Fine. I will. But I'm not getting back with him. It's the worst I could do to him. Valentine may kill me. I don't want him to suffer too much."

Cat seemed like she wanted to argue but he didn't give her the chance. He walked out leaving her standing in the living room, shaking her head. He stood once more before Alec, who looked curious. But nothing drove away the inherent sorrow in his eyes. Magnus closed the door behind him.

They stood in silence for a second or two. 

"Why did you come?"

Alec seemed surprised by the question.

"What do you mean? Why did I come?"

"I thought you would send Izzy or maybe Clary. Is it so that you could talk to me?" Magnus wondered how he was being so... _stiff._  He saw as Alec's eyes went from one emotion to another, indecipherable to anyone else, but easily read by Magnus.

"I wasn't going to. I know how uncomfortable you would have felt.. But I came because I needed to make a point to my father."

"Must he have asked you to drag me there to do the great  _Clave's_  bidding again? It's no secret how Shadowhunters consider us labourers."

Magnus didn't even know what he was saying anymore. Or why.

Alec's eyes turned colder than Arctic winter.

"Well the way you say it, I guess I shouldn't have told my father to shove his prehistoric views up his ass, isn't it? Which I remember, consisted of considering Downworlders as lapdogs. If you, yourself think that  _all_  Shadowhunters think that way, why did I stand up against him?"

Magnus's mouth fell open.  _Why are we doing this to ourselves?_  He tried to say something, but nothing came out.

"It's okay... _Magnus_." The name sounded like a prayer that wouldn't be heard, a wish that wouldn't be granted. Tears wetted Magnus's eyes, threatening to fall.

"I... I know... you're disappointed in me. I guess I don't know anything but how to be a disappointment." His smile was tearful. "You were the best thing that happened to me. I'm not saying this to make you take me back. I don't deserve you. You deserve someone who makes you happy, brings that radiant smile on your face. All I've ever given you is pain." Magnus felt like screaming.  _You're wrong! So wrong! YOU made me happy Alexander. Only you. It was only ever you!_

"You're not a disappointment." Magnus said quietly. "And I have been my happiest with you.  _You_  made me happy. _Make_ me happy." 

Alec shook his head. "No. No Magnus. I've given you too much pain." Magnus watched, choking on tears, as Alec, smiling with a sort of sorrowful happiness, brought his hand to caress Magnus's cheek. It felt too much like that goodbye in the Institute.

"I'll go now Magnus. I shouldn't have said all that. You'll feel obligated to say something you wouldn't want to. Goodbye Magnus."

Alec turned and walked away. As he reached the lift, Magnus found his voice. "Lightwood!"

Alec paused, his shoulder slumped even more. Then he continued.

" _Alexander!"_

The name was ripped from Magnus's throat. Alec turned and faced him, the space between them feeling like they were separated by an ocean.

"Would you believe me if I told you that I'm doing this to protect you? Because I can't live if I lost you?"

Magnus could hear the tears and longing in his voice very clearly. He wondered if Alec heard it too.

Alec moved forward, and closer, into Magnus's space, stealing his breath once more. His hands cupping Magnus's face like it was the most precious thing he had found. His eyes holding Magnus's, bright with tears and fire.

" _Oh Magnus._  Why? Why do you want to protect me? _Me_? I don't deserve anything from you. Your time, your words, your presence. Least of all your love and care.  _I_  need to protect, not be protected. However horrible of a job I do of that."

"You do a fantastic job of it Alexander. And you deserve happiness more than anyone in this world. Please don't say this."

But Alec smiled his heartbreaking smile again and kissed Magnus's forehead, like a brush of feathers, like a memory of some other time. Magnus eyes shut on their own accord as he inhaled Alec's scent. The scent of  _home_  and _safety._ The pain was becoming overwhelming.His brain seemed to have frozen, making him the speechless one for once between them.

"Good bye Magnus. Please take care of yourself for me. Even though asking even that much of you is purely selfish of me. "

He pulled away and looked at Magnus with determination and something  _like pride_  in his eyes. 

"See you on the battlefield, Magnus Bane. I hope to have the honour of fighting alongside you, I may not have another chance to see you." The finality of the statement was devastating.

And Alec walked away, watching him with deep sorrow in his hazel eyes, as the lift closed.

Magnus felt empty. He sank to the ground, dazed. Choked sobs and tears broke out like a flood. He heard someone open his door, but couldn't be bothered to look up. He pulled at his hair, trying anything  _anything_  to make the pain go away.

He raised his head as he felt warm arms encircle him. It was Catarina.

"I.. I..."

He couldn't even complete a simple sentence. But Catarina shushed him.

"Oh Magnus. It will work out. Love like yours and Alec's is rare. You will find your way back to each other. Someway, somehow, someday."

Magnus looked at her through the tears. Her eyes were glazed like she was holding back tears. Magnus wondered when that day would be. Whether it would ever be. For now, he cried in Catarina's warm embrace, promising himself to honour Alec by fighting with him. If war was coming, as he knew it was, he will have Alec by his side. No matter what.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fangirl with me on Twitter @ARavenclaw28 !

**Author's Note:**

> Come fangirl with me on Twitter @ARavenclaw28!


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